"Little Blackbird"

First post of the year, yay! Hope you all had a fab New Year’s! 🙂 Safely back in the UK again (OMG, we have snow!), I thought I’d kick off the year in a slightly unusual fashion, by posting something I’ve written. Err. Okay, yeah, I normally post stuff I’ve written (duuh), but I mean a story. Or not strictly a story, it’s more of a letter, and it’s a sort of summary of a storyline in a roleplaying game. Reason for posting, more than feeling like it, is because I love the whole angst-ridden loveliness of the character, and it’s a feeble excuse to post gratuitous pictures from North & South, as the letter-writer happens to bear an uncanny resemblance to Richard Armitage. *cough* Pure coincidence, as it happens, as I decided what he looks like before I decided to cast RA in the role. 😉

(The blackbird thing is his nickname for her, because her name is that of a blackbird, in Latin.)

But anyhoo, tell me what you think, I love to get feedback / constructive criticism. 🙂

“Little Blackbird”

Do you remember the first time we ever spoke to one another? You came running into my classroom early one evening and urged me to move out of the way. It seemed a very odd request, especially coming from a girl who could not have been more than twelve or thirteen years old at the time, a second year student, yet I moved aside, and the chandelier crashed to the ground on the very spot that I had just vacated. Somehow you knew my life was in danger, so you came to warn me, to save me: a teacher who was brand new to the school, and who had hardly said a word to anyone, let alone a student who was not even old enough to take my subject.

The summer passed, and when school began again in September, you were in my class, showing more promise than anyone had ever done. We got along great, sometimes spending extra time in the evenings talking about Divination, the subject so close to us both. You learned so quickly and got to practice new divining methods before the others in your class.

One night in your third or fourth year, scrying in a crystal ball, you picked up a vision of me and some girl with dark hair, apparently in a compromising situation in my office. You could have kept it to yourself, but you chose to tell me. I did not believe it, of course. The whole concept was ridiculous – I was certainly not foolish enough to let myself be seduced by a student, no matter what her hair colour happened to be – so I dismissed it as a mistake on your behalf. Trying too hard can sometimes lead to a blockage in the extrasensory perception, and I genuinely thought that was the case. I had no idea that you eventually developed a crush on me, and therefore became extremely jealous of the girl in the vision.

Between your fourth and fifth years, standing in the North Tower watching thunderbolts chasing each other in the dark across a densely clouded summer sky, I saw the same thing, but I recognised the girl… it was you. How I dreaded the start of the autumn term, when I knew what was going to happen, just not when or how – all I knew was that there was no way to prevent it from happening. It was not just a possible outcome of the future, it was as certain and predestined as sunrise at dawn.

I tried my very best not to think of you too much, but whatever I did, your face kept showing up in my mind, and I am not sure I realised it, but I was falling for you, which was not just extremely unprofessional of me, but also very dangerous and improper. Dreams tormented me at night, and whenever I saw you, I wished I could touch you. Not in a sexual way, because I had no wish to commit a crime, and you were not even sixteen at the time. My feelings and desires have never been other than honourable, and should the vision come true, it would be with mutual consent.

At the time, I did not know that your life was not in any danger, because the vision I had was not that specific, so I thought I had to protect you from some kind of unseen murderer. We started dining together after the school day was over, so that you would be safe. Of course, you were determined to make me notice you, and it worked. You were standing so close to me, my coat over your shoulders to shelter you from the cold, and I suppose it was terribly wrong of me, but I just could not help myself; I had to kiss you, and I did. Immediately afterwards, I regretted it. How could I have been so weak?

We could have ended it there. Left it at the one kiss, but the next time we met, you kissed me, and a few times after that, I mentioned the vision, and that I believed you now, and that the dark-haired girl she had seen was in fact you… because I had had the same vision, yet kept it to myself for nearly a year. It was difficult, but to bring it up would have been ethically unsound of me, at least until I knew your feelings toward me. Perhaps it was wrong even then. You were angry with me for not having told you about it sooner, and ran away crying.

The headmaster called me to her office, but I assured her nothing was going on between the two of us, and that you had in fact had a crush on me, and as I had spurned you, that was the reason for you running away from my classroom crying. We did not speak for over a week, but eventually, we got over it and apologised. Not just the headmaster but also your Head of House was starting to suspect something. If only they knew…

You are a Gemini, born as you were at the end of May, and I hope your birthday was memorable. I hope the books will be of some use to you, even if you are more set to join the medical profession rather than the divining arts. Did you enjoy the cake? I baked it myself, but you knew that already, I told you there and then. You seemed to like it.

My grandparents would have said I am a sinner and an all round horrible person for what happened next, but have they ever felt a passion like ours? They had their love of God, but hardly a love strong and pure for one another. How could they ever be expected to understand that our moment of intimacy was something beautiful, mutually agreed upon, and something I will treasure for the rest of my life?

I love you with all my heart and soul, as I hope you love me.

I never want to let you go, and I hope you will stay with me forever.

Once you are free of this place, if you will still have me, I will be yours to keep, and then no one can meddle with us or try to break us up. We will not have to hide our feelings anymore, like we were ashamed of them, or had done something wrong. You have given me wings to fly, sweet little blackbird, and I have made you find your song.

~*~

It’s not strictly canon, because he doesn’t actually admit to himself that he loves her until later, when he thinks he’s lost her, but still. The letter was never meant to be sent, so let’s just say he fell asleep and when he came to in the morning, he realised it should never have been written and thus tossed it into the fire. Or something along those lines. Or just see it as something I wrote in a creative writing class as I had to hand something in and I decided I wanted to write about that particular character, because I wuvs him. He could be the love child of Mr. Rochester and professor Snape and he looks like RA – what’s not to love? 😉 The story is still progressing over at Rollspelet Svenska Hogwarts, but this is the only bit I’ve written in English.

Now we can go back to normal again! If you’d like me to post more story stuff every once in a while, let me know, or even if you think I shouldn’t. Either way, really, I’m easy. 🙂

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