Richard Armitage, we have a problem

Dear Richard,

You have delighted us much recently by posing for pictures with a beard and then there were those Captain America shots as well and the film opens tomorrow in the US (next Friday in the UK) and you attended the red carpet premiere in Hollywood and everything. Great to see you looking so well and sounding so well too.

I particularly like this one.
(Screencap by


We need to have a talk about that new beard of yours.

At The Hobbit press conference some months ago, we positively tripped over our oestrogene levels seeing you with that majestic facial hair. So riveting! So manly! So goshdarn hot!

I know you’re busy playing a fancy dwarf and everything, and as such, you’ll have a great beard – even if this one makes you look like Claude Monet has gone caveman:

(Screencap by BccMee)

Just looking at the picture of Thorin with that Anklebiter sword (or whatever it’s called) makes me think, “OMG! Hot dwarves!” and that’s going to be a very odd film to watch. Them little bearded fellows as sex symbols? Well, that’s not exactly what I was expecting … Not that I’m complaining, though, you look radiant. And scary. If this had been your Guy of Gisborne look, you really would have made skins crawl:

(Photo from

But there is being in chararacter and then there’s starting to develop a Santa Claus complex. The beard is getting out of hand and you’re starting to resemble one of the blokes who used to empty our bins when I grew up. Uncool, man, uncool. If you want to get started on the grandpa look, shouldn’t you at least get married first or something? And have kids? (By the way, you and Heathra looked great together. Just saying!)

(Photo by Heathra, courtesy of

See, I love the way you look at the camera on this photo, but that straying beard hair that goes over your teeth … it just doesn’t work for me, sorry. Please give the beard a trim, darling, preferably like aforementioned Hobbit press conference.

Oh, and let your hair grow a bit. It’s too short at the moment, which is also uncool. In fact, I thought it would be a good idea to cut myself a fringe last night. After the first cut, it looked fab. I had a great Romola Garai thing going on there. Like this:

(Nicked Borrowed from Photo Gallery Actress)

But then I thought “oh but it kinda goes into my eyes, I should cut it slightly shorter”. And you know what happened? It got a bit uneven, so I had to try and straighten it out and in the end, I looked like Friar Tuck. [Have a look at this if you don’t believe me.] And not the cool one who took Gisborne’s confession either, put it that way. Is that what happened? You went in for a trim and then you came back going “aaaarghhhh that’s WAY too short!! Put it back!! How can I show myself in polite society until it’s grown out again”? If that is the case, I sympathise. Truly. If it was a conscious choice … well, good luck with the bin man look. You’re going to need it.

That is all. Love your work!

Yours truly,


(In case it needs clarification (seriously?): This is not an actual letter to Richard Armitage. It’s a joke. Well, apart from the bits about “not liking the bushy beard” and “not digging the hair” and the tale of my own godforsaken fringe faux pax, because … sadly, those are all true. Especially the fringe bit. It needs to grow a good inch before I’ll stop looking like I did when I was 11 – the 1993 throwback isn’t a great look. *shudders*)

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