The Expendables (2010)

Film review: The Expendables (2010), directed by Sylvester Stallone

theexpendablesTake a group of mercenaries (Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and potentially others I don’t remember through the haze of testosterone). Let them shoot a group of kidnapping pirates. Have one of them (Dolph Lundgren) go slightly off the rails and be told he can’t play with the rest of them anymore.

Make them come home and have Jason Statham’s girlfriend (Charisma Carpenter) dump him for some nasty piece of work. Make Mickey Rourke a tattoo artist. Make Sly go to church to get a job offer from Bruce Willis. Have a cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Make them go to some island somewhere where Angel Batista from Dexter (David Zayas) is the man in charge, except he isn’t in charage at all, because that’s Eric Roberts. Make the General have a daughter (Giselle Itié) that Sly can feel protective about and fall in love with (in a manly way, of course).

Make everyone blow shit up, blow people up, kick people’s backsides and throw in Randy Couture and Stone Cold Steve Austin as well. The Expendables in a nutshell.

I won’t say “ladies, you won’t like this” because there are plenty of ladies who no doubt enjoy testosterone-hyped action films with more muscle than brains, as there are men who aren’t particularly keen on it. To enjoy this film, though, you’ll need to be ready to deal with the testosterone and not really mind the flimsy romance elements – and of course not mind the macho attitude displayed by Statham and his nemesis, His Girl’s New Man. (It’s along the lines of “dude, wtf? You don’t hit her in the face!” as opposed to “that’s not how you treat a woman, you piece of shit!”)

This film would have been more enjoyable if it wasn’t for that, or for the fact that there are also more muscles than there are looks. I mean, Arnie? Sly? C’mon … If we can’t watch it because of the contents, at least give us some eye-candy!

There’s not a lot to say except a lot of people die in this film. And when they dump fuel from an airplane, they dump it for way longer than needed – are you not aware of the current fuel prices? (Despite the fuel prices across the pond are a fraction of what they are here.) Not to mention you want to be able to FLY HOME which you can’t do on an EMPTY TANK.

If they had made The Expendables into a tongue-in-cheek affair where they made fun of action films and themselves (considering the film stars every Hollywood action man you can think of, pretty much), it could have been a lot of fun. Instead, it’s just an action film, and because it’s just another action film, even if it has such an incredibly macho cast, it’s not fun and it’s not interesting and there’s nothing there to engage any viewer who want a decent plot and decent characters that you can care about.

To top it all off, they’ve made a sequel, which opens today in the UK. They’ve added Chuck Norris, because there simply weren’t enough action men in the first one. Oh dear lord.

1.7 out of 5 guns if you’re not an action fan. 3 or more if you think action films kick serious ass.

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