The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Film review: The Twilight Saga 2: New Moon (2009), directed by Chris Weitz

twilight-newmoonBecause the next installment in the Twilight saga is approaching – actually, it’s out tomorrow – why not have a re-cap of the first two films?

The first one, we saw at the cinema. We were a group of friends who had decided to go out and see a film, and the only one we decided would probably cater for all our tastes was Twilight, because it wasn’t a kid’s movie and it wasn’t the third Underworld film. I spent most of the film laughing together with the person I was sitting next to, and laughing for all the wrong reasons.

Seeing Dr. Pale-face Daddy Meyerpyre what’s-his-name Carlisle was a right good chuckle, for instance. He looked ridiculous. I very nearly lost it completely when Bella was snuggled up to Sparkles in bed, using him as a pillow, because with his cool skin, he must be like the Other Side of the Pillow.

Anyway. It was a movie about a sparkly emo and his personality void of a girlfriend. Not terribly impressed, but at least I saw it and can therefore slag it off at my leisure, which I can’t do properly if I haven’t seen it, because then there would be the counter-argument of “yeah but you haven’t seen it so you don’t know!” which is something I tend to use myself when it comes to religious nutters bashing Harry Potter. Which is why I’m really going to have to bite the bullet and actually read the Twilight books. Ugh.

The second film is what I’m going to focus on, as that’s the one we watched most recently. It’s called The Twilight Saga: New Moon and like the first one, made the MTV Movie Awards look rigged. This one, we borrowed on Blu-ray from a couple of friends. There’s something dodgy about the disc, though, because the audio was slightly out of sync at the very beginning, and then, when Bella had a hissy fit with her friend and went off with some random guy on a motorbike, the disc stopped playing. That was more likely down to the PS3 laser starting to give up the ghost, than the disc being faulty (or the PS3 developing a personality and deciding we should spend our time better). Swapped to laptop, resumed play.

Basically, the second film is about … umm … nothing? (Just like the first one, so at least it’s consistent!) Sparkles goes away on a suicide mission to Italy, because woe is he for falling in love with a puny human. And then he’s gone for the most part of the film, leaving us to get more acquainted with Jacob.

Now, this part of the film wasn’t too bad, actually. He’s a sweet (and cute, I have to admit) guy who takes a genuine interest in her and doesn’t want to kill her and suck out her blood. Oh, but then all of a sudden he hangs out with the “wrong” crowd and refuses to talk to her. Woe is Bella, all her boyfriends desert her.

She then finds out why. It’s because he’s actually a warewolf, rawr. There has been some criticism with how the warewolves are depicted, because they actually look like proper wolves for once. I’d rather watch those cute doggies than the thing Remus Lupin turns into once a month. (Aww, Remus Lupin. I have such a crush on him!) So fair play to the film makers here, I feel.

When Jacob and his pack of friends aren’t busy chasing their tails, sniffing each others privates or fetching sticks, they are incredibly fit young men who insist on walking around with their shirts off. And, uh, that’s my lasting impression of the movie.

“So, Traxy, what’s New Moon about?”
“Hot, shirtless guys who turn into cute doggies now and again.”
“Really?”
“Yah.”
“What else?”
“Who cares? He doesn’t sparkle and he has a tan.”
“So, what, you’re Team Jacob now?”
“No, it’s still Twilight. The only shirtless guy that could possibly redeem it in the slightest is Richard Armitage, and he’s not in it. So there.”

And then Bella goes to Italy to stop Sparkles from outing himself in the Tuscan sun (whatever, it’s the only Italian region I can think of). And then … uh … I honestly don’t remember. They go back to Forks, I suppose, and did it end with Edward proposing or something? Oh what a cliffhanger. Like she’s going to say no.

So, will we be watching the latest installment, which is out tomorrow? Probably. At some point. We’re in no hurry. After all, Taylor Lautner might be cute without a shirt (and if he was 20 years older), but Robert Pattinson does absolutely nothing for me (not even as Cedric Diggory), and I really can’t stand Kristen Stewart who doesn’t seem to know how to control her mouth muscles, as she’s always walking around with her mouth open. Maybe she’s got hayfever and her nose is too blocked up (like mine is right now).

But then again, Forks seem to mainly be woodland and like it rains too much for pollen to be a problem. So it’s probably just that she’s rather poor in the acting department. She was just as dull in Panic Room, and that film isn’t dreadful tween catnip with bastardised “vampires” that sparkle.

1.8 out of 5 hot, shirtless guys.

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