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The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Film review: The Twilight Saga 2: New Moon (2009), directed by Chris Weitz

twilight-newmoonBecause the next installment in the Twilight saga is approaching – actually, it’s out tomorrow – why not have a re-cap of the first two films?

The first one, we saw at the cinema. We were a group of friends who had decided to go out and see a film, and the only one we decided would probably cater for all our tastes was Twilight, because it wasn’t a kid’s movie and it wasn’t the third Underworld film. I spent most of the film laughing together with the person I was sitting next to, and laughing for all the wrong reasons.

Seeing Dr. Pale-face Daddy Meyerpyre what’s-his-name Carlisle was a right good chuckle, for instance. He looked ridiculous. I very nearly lost it completely when Bella was snuggled up to Sparkles in bed, using him as a pillow, because with his cool skin, he must be like the Other Side of the Pillow.

Anyway. It was a movie about a sparkly emo and his personality void of a girlfriend. Not terribly impressed, but at least I saw it and can therefore slag it off at my leisure, which I can’t do properly if I haven’t seen it, because then there would be the counter-argument of “yeah but you haven’t seen it so you don’t know!” which is something I tend to use myself when it comes to religious nutters bashing Harry Potter. Which is why I’m really going to have to bite the bullet and actually read the Twilight books. Ugh.

The second film is what I’m going to focus on, as that’s the one we watched most recently. It’s called The Twilight Saga: New Moon and like the first one, made the MTV Movie Awards look rigged. This one, we borrowed on Blu-ray from a couple of friends. There’s something dodgy about the disc, though, because the audio was slightly out of sync at the very beginning, and then, when Bella had a hissy fit with her friend and went off with some random guy on a motorbike, the disc stopped playing. That was more likely down to the PS3 laser starting to give up the ghost, than the disc being faulty (or the PS3 developing a personality and deciding we should spend our time better). Swapped to laptop, resumed play.

Basically, the second film is about … umm … nothing? (Just like the first one, so at least it’s consistent!) Sparkles goes away on a suicide mission to Italy, because woe is he for falling in love with a puny human. And then he’s gone for the most part of the film, leaving us to get more acquainted with Jacob.

Now, this part of the film wasn’t too bad, actually. He’s a sweet (and cute, I have to admit) guy who takes a genuine interest in her and doesn’t want to kill her and suck out her blood. Oh, but then all of a sudden he hangs out with the “wrong” crowd and refuses to talk to her. Woe is Bella, all her boyfriends desert her.

She then finds out why. It’s because he’s actually a warewolf, rawr. There has been some criticism with how the warewolves are depicted, because they actually look like proper wolves for once. I’d rather watch those cute doggies than the thing Remus Lupin turns into once a month. (Aww, Remus Lupin. I have such a crush on him!) So fair play to the film makers here, I feel.

When Jacob and his pack of friends aren’t busy chasing their tails, sniffing each others privates or fetching sticks, they are incredibly fit young men who insist on walking around with their shirts off. And, uh, that’s my lasting impression of the movie.

“So, Traxy, what’s New Moon about?”
“Hot, shirtless guys who turn into cute doggies now and again.”
“Really?”
“Yah.”
“What else?”
“Who cares? He doesn’t sparkle and he has a tan.”
“So, what, you’re Team Jacob now?”
“No, it’s still Twilight. The only shirtless guy that could possibly redeem it in the slightest is Richard Armitage, and he’s not in it. So there.”

And then Bella goes to Italy to stop Sparkles from outing himself in the Tuscan sun (whatever, it’s the only Italian region I can think of). And then … uh … I honestly don’t remember. They go back to Forks, I suppose, and did it end with Edward proposing or something? Oh what a cliffhanger. Like she’s going to say no.

So, will we be watching the latest installment, which is out tomorrow? Probably. At some point. We’re in no hurry. After all, Taylor Lautner might be cute without a shirt (and if he was 20 years older), but Robert Pattinson does absolutely nothing for me (not even as Cedric Diggory), and I really can’t stand Kristen Stewart who doesn’t seem to know how to control her mouth muscles, as she’s always walking around with her mouth open. Maybe she’s got hayfever and her nose is too blocked up (like mine is right now).

But then again, Forks seem to mainly be woodland and like it rains too much for pollen to be a problem. So it’s probably just that she’s rather poor in the acting department. She was just as dull in Panic Room, and that film isn’t dreadful tween catnip with bastardised “vampires” that sparkle.

1.8 out of 5 hot, shirtless guys.

Traxy Thornfield

A Swedish introvert in Robin Hood Country (Nottingham, UK) where she lives with a husband and two cats. She's an eager participant in tabletop and play-by-post roleplaying, woodworking, photography and European travel. Will get a novel out one of these days, if she doesn't get too distracted on the way.

8 thoughts on “The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

  1. HAHAHAHA!!! Thank you for making me laugh out loud. ๐Ÿ™‚ I actually really like the “Twilight” books (except for the last one “Breaking Dawn” which has so many weird parts, even for a Twilight book and a sort of lame ending~ I hope they rewrite some of it for the movie) and I do enjoy watching the movies… but after I’m done with my excitement of seeing it on the big screen the first time, I always make fun of them when I rewatch with fam/friends on DVD. There’s just way too many rediculous things to laugh out loud about. The sad thing is, the movies (with their poor acting and crazy popularity) have sort of taken away the coolness of the books for me. I think Kristen Steward looks like Bella, but doesn’t act like her (and I can’t stand her constant blinking and licking her lips habit throughout each film.) Am I going to see “Eclipse” in theatres? Heck yeah! It’s like one of those things I just can’t resist, even if I end up laughing for the wrong reasons. ๐Ÿ˜‰ (I always go with my teenage nieces and sister and spend half the time watching their faces and laughing at their reactions. I bet I look the same way when I watch the train scene in N&S.)

  2. Ouch! This is harsh, but I suppose it’s not entirely untrue. I quite like Carlisle Cullen, but you are right about the rest of it. And that Richard Armitage would greatly redeem the film. Though all the characters he could play are WAY beneath him. And actually, she says no.

  3. Got tickets for Eclipse too and with that I outed myself as a twifan ๐Ÿ™‚ When Stephenie Meyers mentioned to have read Jane Eyre when she was 9 and since at least once a year, I tried to get my 9y old to read an adapted version of Jane Eyre. I’m not going to defend her writing or the movies but the movies (with the cheesy moments)can’t be appreciated without having read the books. Although I saw New Moon 3X at the movies I still have to watch the dvd. The soundtracks are fabulous and Eclipse promises to be Epic. Again not sure whether unlike the Harry Potter films it’s one that can stand alone. In any case looking forward to seeing the new HP trailer in IMAX!

  4. I also like Twilight (the books better- 4th my fav) but I’m not a fan, still I’m definitely watching it at the movies.

    –“Hot, shirtless guys who turn into cute doggies now and again.”–
    I laughed out loud at this one.

    OML ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. “Meyerpyre or Fwuffy Doggie?” LOL
    Frankly if you’re thinking about reading the books, I have to recommend their audioversions. I got them through my library and they were my first introduction to audiobooks. It’s read by a female actress and she has a voice that really depicts the mood.
    @onemorelurker: guess you couldn’t get a hold of the english audioversion where you are, because without spoiling it for Traxy, Breaking Dawn has even more impact in audio.
    PS.:Traxy for me it was never about the vampire or werewolf thing.

  6. Nat: Glad you liked it. ๐Ÿ˜‰ *grins* Well, there’s nothing wrong with squeeing when you do it yourself, such as, over the Train Scene. ๐Ÿ˜‰ (Just terribly annoying when everyone else is doing it except you! I seriously groaned when I saw Titanic and all the girls gave up a collective “AWWWW!” when di Caprio showed up the first time. *shudders*)

    Elsie: Aside from there being something seriously creepy about Carlisle and his “saving” of teenagers, I actually think the actor’s pretty cute. Out of make-up. With make-up he just makes me giggle. ๐Ÿ™‚

    iz4spunk: Oooh, HP trailers! Don’t have an IMAX near here (never been to one either), but I’d happily settle for a trailer at a normal cinema! They’re actually splitting the final Twilight movie into two as well. Way to milk the fans in both franchises! (Seriously though, with HP, I thought if ever there was a book where they could leave stuff out, it’d be the last one. All that hopping around with the tent was incredibly dull!) One thing I would say for Meyer is that she seems to have a decent taste in books. JE, WH… ๐Ÿ™‚ Just a shame she doesn’t possess the same writing skillz as the Brontรซs, because if she did, oh, the saga could possibly have been incredible. But now? Eh… not so much. Don’t worry about the spoilers – I’ve read enough about Twilight to know what happens. There’s not a spoiler that hasn’t already been well and truly spoiled, in all their creepy glory. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    OML: Glad to have put a smile on your face! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Don’t let Traxy fool you, ladies… I bet she was first in line at the midnight showing last night. (Or has “Eclipse” not been released in the UK yet?) I’m going to try and see it tonight, if I can get in. (I love living in my small town, except the po-dunk movie theatres won’t let you buy tickets ahead of time! ARGH!) A few family members already saw it and said it’s the best of the Twilight movies so far… so hopefully you won’t hate it AS much, Trax. ๐Ÿ™‚ I for one am excited to see it… I just can’t resist!

  8. Ya know i fell so hard into RAland that I missed the MTV movieawards having my mind on the BAFTA’s. How ironic that your post made me realize that. It is supposed to be the best but there are still cheese moments. Make-up has improved which was Carlisle’s biggest flaw. Pretty soon you’ll be Bella-bashing too, a favorite sport in Twi-land. Way to go Nat, use your belly with leverage! Going to the movies requires carefull planning in my household, I’m already scheming for my second viewing. Btw already love the soundtrack!

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