It seems that Hollywood churns out films these days with little regard for authenticity, class or style. Script and substance are squashed by cheesy lines and outrageous CGI in the rapidly homogenising movie industry. This doesn’t deter cinema goers, who are happy to spend their hard-earned cash on the spiralling price of film tickets, as well as £8 on some puffed up corn, carbonated water and syrup. Yet from time to time, even this monolith of consumerist mediocrity can drop a blooper so bad that the public can’t stomach it.
After much research amongst the Blockbuster bone-yard, some truly horrific finds have surfaced. There actually is such a thing as Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004) which recounts the wacky adventures of infants fighting to save America’s freedom … for the second time. Yes, there was a Baby Geniuses One (1999), which clearly failed to impress viewers any more than its sequel, as the consensus amongst critics is that both movies, totally suck.
The universally slated Gigli ‘starring’ Jennifer Lopez is unsurprisingly conspicuous in rankings of the worst films. The unfunniest romantic comedy ever (which is really saying something) is a media yardstick with which critics can figuratively beat Lopez and that hammiest of Hollywood talent, Ben Affleck. Perhaps Gigli, and every other film starring Lopez, (including Anaconda) should be a lesson to all concerned that singers should be singers and leave the acting to professionals. Madonna can also learn a thing or two here, as her contribution to bargain-box DVD rentals is nothing if not substantial.
It’s not only products of new Hollywood that are face-palm fodder. In 1966, The Wild World of Batwoman told the laughably low-budget story of the heroine and her dollybird Batgirls enacting utterly pointless and sexualised copycat antics of the real Batman. At least this movie can be applauded for one thing, having a go against. The leading lady actually made her own costume out of cardboard and eyeliner. Fair play for that, as the same excuse for being terrible cannot be made for the Guinness World Record holder of box office disasters, Cutthroat Island. The doomed and all-round rubbish action film lost producers almost $88m when released in 1995 and put Carolco Pictures out of business.
Maybe the most intriguing of all the titles listed on a number of the worst movie rankings of all time is the ominously porn-like Santa with Muscles starring that icon of the Nineties, Hulk Hogan. After researching its complex and multi-faceted plot a little further, the conclusion drawn was a lack of hope for all mankind. Time to reward oneself with an Al Pacino gangster thriller and wash the memories of the worst movies of all time from my mind.
This post was brought to you by guest blogger Ben, who lives in Staffordshire and works at 8Ball – the masters of movie t-shirts. (They have a bunch of funky TV t-shirts too, actually, including one with Pinky and the Brain. ♥) Ben tells me that he once stayed awake for three days just to see what it felt like, which sounds like a pretty neat idea to me. I did that too once, but couldn’t resist a shut-eye after about 36 hours.