Why being an Aes Sedai in real life would rock

I decided to have a look through my old files, as I knew I had put together some silly Wheel of Time-related things years and years ago. It was last updated in 2005, but probably pre-dates that. So, to celebrate the release of the final book, and counting down to it, let’s have a Randland giggle.

A whole bunch of reasons why being an Aes Sedai in real life would rock

“How come you aren’t giving over all your creative energies to wotmania! I’m shocked!”
– Mike Mackert, founder of wotmania (which apparently closed down in 2009 – I’m great at keeping up …)

  1. No one cuts in front of you in the line at the supermarket. Light, you don’t even have to go crocery-shopping!
  2. You’ll never have to sweat again! Hoorray!
  3. People treat you with respect because you scare the shits out of ’em, and you’re not even armed!
  4. You get to twist the truth in that special way.
  5. You get to say things like “The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills” and “No one knows how the Wheel turns”.
  6. At least one free bodyguard. If you want one.
  7. Gorgeous free golden serpent ring + shawl with fringes in a colour of your choice.
  8. No one wants to argue with you.
  9. Agelessness. Imagine how much you would save on those anti-wrinkle creams that don’t work anyway.
  10. Balefire. Puts the “ex” back in ex girl/boyfriend. Or your girl/boyfriend’s ex.
  11. Compulsion. This list is the best one you’ve ever read, by the way. *channeling innocently*
  12. People obey you even if they’d rather you were dead.
  13. Mirror of Mists. Adds a whole new dimension to makeovers, dusnit? 😉
  14. You live a lot longer than anyone else. Even longer than the Japanese!
  15. Ever seen an Aes Sedai with sales coupons?
  16. You’re environmentally friendly, because you don’t need a car! I mean, why drive when you can Skim or even Travel?
  17. Men tend not to act like jerks when they’re hanging upside down 10 feet above the ground.
  18. No more career confusion. You’re Aes Sedai. That’s your job and your life. End of discussion.
  19. People kind of look up to you even though you’re neither armed nor famous!
  20. Free food and lodging in the White Tower.
  21. You can wear whatever you want whenever you want, and no one can tell you it’s “wrong”.
  22. You can be a bitch and get away with it.
  23. You can do whatever you want without anyone stopping you.
  24. Nothing can move you. At least not move you enough for you to actually show it.
  25. Bullies are too scared to pick on you when you’re 30 feet tall.
  26. Your only enemies are Shadowspawn and Whitecloaks, and they don’t exist in real life!!
  27. The truth you tell might not be the truth other people hear.
  28. People won’t talk when you’ve got more than one husband.
  29. People won’t talk when you refuse to get married.
  30. You can Heal anything except death.
  31. Being a know-it-all isn’t a bad thing.
  32. You get to hunt down men just so that you can gentle them!! …Erm, wrong list? 😉
  33. Your boss is all-powerful. Or nearly, anyway.
  34. The only people you ever have to answer to is the Hall of the Tower.
  35. You know when and if your significant other has cheated on you, but s/he won’t know if you’ve cheated on him/her!
  36. Horses don’t get speeding tickets.
  37. Tar Valon is the most beautiful city in the known world.
  38. Osama bin Ladin would have be dead before the end of September 2001.
  39. I would like to see the terrorist who’d dare crashing an airplane into the White Tower. Even the Whitecloaks aren’t that stupid.
  40. Criminality would really go down, even in the U.S… 😛
  41. You don’t have to clean your room/house. You’ve got servants for that.
  42. Tar Valon gold is one of the strongest currency and has been so for Ages.
  43. You can go wherever you want, whenever you want, because nothing can stop you.
  44. Your biggest concern is Tarmon Gai’don.
  45. You’re above everyone else. You know it, they know it, yet no one calls you a snob.
  46. No more fear to be out on the town walking at night – saidar kinda rocks as a self-defence tool…
  47. No one tells you what to do – and not do.
  48. People expect they have to do more than just what you ask of them.
  49. You get to sniff a lot! 🙂
  50. YOU CAN CHANNEL THE ONE POWER!!!

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