After the debacle of last episode, which got a bit more personal than the King would have wanted, Thorin gets to put his proper advice boots on. One would hope this goes slightly better than before …
Dear King Under the Mountain,
What are your plans for extending the reign of dwarves in the region? Perhaps more to the point, how come there aren’t any strong female characters along on the quest?
Sincerely and devotedly yours,
PS – I am available should any vacancies arise
Greetings Jane Eyre,
First of all, I would like to extend a thank you for addressing me using my correct title. As for what my plans are vis-à-vis extending the reign of dwarves in this region, I have not yet had the complete lay of the land in order to make plans. I keep asking for maps to be brought, and despite adding “forthwith!”, this has not happened. In the end, I was given an big carpet of a book, of all the roads in Europe – wherever that is – and while it is undoubtedly valuable to learn of the major thoroughfares of these lands, it does not give me the information I need. Should you perhaps happen to have any proper maps of the Shire of Nottingham, I hope you are able to forward them to me. Forthwith, if you please.
As for females, I am surprised you have not heard of our party’s female equivalents. They set off on a quest at the same time we did, but alas, they did not have a wizard along who decided they should pick up a Hobbit on the way. Thorina, their leader, has a beard almost as fantastic as my own. Then there are Filia, Kilia, Oina, Gloina, Balina, Dwalina, Bifura, Bofura, Bombura, Doria, Noria, and Oria. Fantastic and very capable ladies all of them, with very fetching beards, too.
Unfortunately, Mr Tolkien did not see fit to write about their adventures. I think the thought of women with beards unsettled him, for some reason. As a dwarf, I fail to see why. The measure of a good woman is in her facial hair, and you would not want to marry one of those smooth-faced younglings, because a good woman has a good beard. Kilia only just started sprouting stubble last winter, incidentally right around the time that Kili did, which is a peculiar coincidence.
It was a shame how we completely failed to meet any women on our quest – aside from Galadriel, but she is an elf, and therefore does not count as female. Her beardless chin unsettles even such a hardy warrior as myself. Perhaps if you are available, as per your post script, you could come along on our quest. You certainly seem daring enough. I would not dream of asking for the length of your beard, as it is simply not the sort of thing you ask anyone unless you want an axe to your skull, but are you in possession of fertile facial follicles, by any chance? What be your trained weapon skill? Have you had any previous encounters with dragons? Are you susceptible to dragon sickness?
Hey, Thorin, I said you could use Google Maps, but you just sniffed at me!
Maps are not to be found on moving paintings. They are made of parchment and can be rolled out on a table. And that’s the last I will hear of this.
Okay, sure. Just trying to help …
To ask 3“ Thorin’s advice, plop down a comment or email it to email@example.com and it will be answered in a future episode. 🙂