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Currently Reading

From the Past

Films on the to-do list

  • Black Widow
  • Chimes at Midnight
  • Den blomstertid nu kommer (backed!)
  • Jojo Rabbit
  • The Killing of a Sacred Deer
  • Last Christmas
  • MIB: International
  • Remember Sunday
  • Shazam! 2
  • Spy Guys
  • Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
  • Wonder Woman: 1984

So, umm … yeah

Sometimes, you wonder what the point is, of anything. If you’re this side of the Autumn Equinox and have Seasonal Affective Disorder, very little is required to push you over the edge and into despair. It’s ridiculous, really. Aside from having a bad cold recently, stuff on Friday made me feel like I was completely and utterly fucking useless. Minor things, really. One of which was struggling for 1.5 hours to do something that should’ve taken me half an hour and not be a problem, because I just couldn’t figure out what the problem was. And I should have,  because it’s my job, it’s what I get paid to do. Anyway.

Later that night, when I couldn’t even bring myself to put a glass over a spider in the bathroom and take it outside, it underlined the self-loathing from earlier on that day. By not even daring to approach the spider, but standing there paralysed with the glass in one hand angsting about it for about ten minutes, I underlined the point of me being useless. Granted, it was about as big as the big spiders we get in this house and I’m not “scared of spiders”, I’m properly arachnophobic and have been since childhood. Smaller spiders, I’ve learned to deal with over the years, but the big ones … not so much.

(At this point, feel free to have a giggle on my behalf, Australians. Yours are so big that my decades old dream of visiting Down Underland is getting less and less likely to be fulfilled. And yes, for that reason only. Well, that and the deadly poisonous spiders.)

I ended up leaving the room, sitting on the side of the bed crying, until the Squeeze heard me and asked what was wrong. He doesn’t like spiders one bit, but he’s had to learn to deal with them because I freak out. So the ones I can’t get, he’ll have to be the knight in shining armour and remove for both our sakes. So he got rid of it and order was restored.

The spider thing isn’t that big of an issue, and the point is not somehow that you’re a lesser person for having a phobia. The point is, depression or depressive tendencies are a bitch. The things you normally won’t think twice about, or at least shrug off in a few minutes, feel like the end of the world. You feel worthless and can’t understand what the point of you is when you can’t seem to do anything right. When you feel you should tell your partner they can do so much better than you and that you’re only holding them back, you know it’s bad.

It’s not even as if there’s anything to feel down about, personally. There are many others who have gone through hell this year, including family and both online and offline friends, so they have things to be sad about, but me? How can you be sad when you’ve got this snuggled up to you? 🙂

This is Monkey. Richard Armitage wouldn’t like him. Monkey likes eating, sleeping, cuddles, more cuddles and chasing insects. And having a belly rub. So “Meow?” right back atcha, mate.

The choice is to stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself, or to get up and do something. I had a good night’s sleep and felt better. But the tiredness and balancing on a knife’s edge between feeling okay and feeling like giving up on hobbies I really enjoy is not going to go away. It might get better, or it might stick around until after the Spring Equinox.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, aside from I’m not saying  this to fish for sympathies. Everyone feels down from time to time. Some get it worse than others. The thing we all have in common is that we feel like shit. For some, it’s quick, for others, it lasts for years.

Anyway. By now you should have figured out why I haven’t felt motivated to post anything this week, and why I might not always feel motivated to post when I normally would. In fact, because reviewing has felt more like a chore than fun for some time now, I’ve decided to keep the posting schedule (Mon, Wed, Fri) but open up to perhaps write about other things than just reviews. I’m not saying I’ll quit writing reviews, I’m just saying I think I might want to write some other things too once in a while.

So, umm … we’re good, right?

Traxy Thornfield

A Swedish introvert residing in Robin Hood Country (Nottingham, UK) with a husband and two cats. She's an eager participant in tabletop and play-by-post roleplaying, woodworking, photography and European travel, when there's not a plague on. Might get a novel out one of these days, if she doesn't get too distracted along the way.

4 thoughts on “So, umm … yeah

  1. I’m sorry to read you’re struggling and the point isn’t how bad your struggles are in comparison to anyone else’s, but how bad they are for you. As you know, your part of the earth will change its position with respect to the sun in a few months. In the meantime, while you’re waiting, please do be nice to yourself. I tend to find that if I leave spiders alone, they leave me alone as well.

    1. Wise words, thank you. 🙂

      Yeah, you’re absolutely right, most of the time spiders will leave you alone, and the native ones of this country are harmless, but when you have a phobia, rational thinking sadly isn’t high up on the agenda.

  2. Hang in there, Traxy. Here’s hoping the sun will come out, and at least chase those spiders back up their water spouts. 🙂 And cheer you up in the mean while. Monkey is soooo sweet, and he looks a lot like my cat. Somehow we never got around to naming her, even though she’s going on nine years of age – an old lady she is! The kids tried Bob, as in short for bobcat, but it never stuck. She does answer to “Kitty”, though. Anyway, what could be better than a sweet, cuddly, purring cat? Glad I’m not missing out like some out there. 🙂

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I’ve recently upped my dose of B12 and that seems to have done some amazing things, like … I’m actually AWAKE, and PRODUCTIVE. Stuff gets done! I’m even attempting housework voluntarily all of a sudden. It’s all a bit weird, but at the same time, useful. 😉

      Kitty is a nice name, so just as well she seems to like it too. 🙂 In Sweden, I’d say it’s mostly associated with Nancy Drew, believe it or not, because in Sweden, she’s not called Nancy, she’s called Kitty. Kitty Drew. True story!

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